iThink the Worst of You
by simplyweird
Summary: Sam always thought that people were like quality ham. They're not all tender and rosy flesh. If you care to dig a little bit, you'll find the bone; that's what really matters. For reasons better know to herself, Sam decides to dig for Freddie's bone.
1. Prologue iCompare

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.

(Prologue – iCompare)

Samantha Puckett is convinced that people are like good ham. They're not all tender rosy flesh. If you take the time to dig a little bit, you'll find a bone in the middle. And no matter how tasty the meat is, the bone is what really matters. That is what gives the meat its rich flavor and that is why grand-mothers use the bones make delicious soups. Hams also have a tough leathery skin. If the ham is handled carefully and gently cooked, the skin stays supple, but if its baked too long or in a really hot oven, then it gets really hard and chewy.

In people, it easily translates as this. People have skin to protect their flesh. If they had a relatively easy life, their skin is easy to get through. So, to those around them, it's easy to get to know them, they let you in without much of a fight. If they've been roughed up a little – or a lot – then their skin gets tough, and you almost have to fight them and persevere for them to let you through their inner layer.

The meat is all the stuff you get to learn about someone once you passed the first barrier. There's usually plenty to go through. Some parts of the meat are a bit harder than others. If you really like ham, you won't stop eating after a few bites, you'll want to eat the whole ham, you'll never feel full or tire of that particular ham. Eventually, with time and effort, you might even reach the bone, the true core, what almost no one else will ever see.

The bone is what really matter, once again. It's what's really important to you, what you tell no one, what you truly really think and believe, when you don't have to be afraid of what other people will think of your ideas. In your whole life time, you will be able to count on one hand the number of people who will have reached your bone. Sometimes, a single finger will be enough to do the tally.

Everybody knew that Sam liked ham, even Lewbert, who cared about nothing and no one except his precious lobby floor. In the Shay's kitchen, while tearing pieces of ham with her bare hands, Sam started to compare her two closest friends to the meat she was eating.

As she chewed, she mused that she was probably close to Carly's bone by now. Her skin had been baby soft, so easy to go through. Her meat was girly pink, with a nice bounce when you chewed and a slight sweet taste. She probably had been a honey glazed ham. But even though she had gotten near her bone, there had been nothing really surprising to be found there. Carly was nice and sweet straight through. She didn't have any deep dark secrets, or at least Sam hadn't uncovered any up to now, and she didn't think she would later on.

Freddie's ham skin had been ridiculously easy to breach. He was eager to please and get in Carly's good graces so he let people in readily enough. Surprisingly, though, his meat was a bit tougher. There was also more meat to go through before you could even see the bone. Sam realized that while Freddie's ham may not actually be her favorite style of ham, she couldn't help but think there was more buried in that flesh than what she new. There had to be more. She didn't know if he would ever let her closer to his bone, but she sure was going to poke around with her fork to try to at least get a feel of it. And because of the way his mother treated him, Sam decided that Freddie was one of those hormone-free, organic, grain fed ham.

As she took her plate of ham in her hand to go sit on the couch, Sam resolved to find more about the tech geek, and as far as she knew, there was only a few ways go get info on someone; blackmail and intimidation were reliable methods, but she always kept a few tricks up her sleeve, just in case…

A/N; The rest of the story will be told in the normal way (with dialog and everything). The prologue is just to set things in motion.


	2. Chapter 1  iRound up the Geek Squad

Disclaimer; I don't own anything you recognise.

Chapter 1 – iRound up the Geek Squad

She was quietly following Freddie in the halls of the school, keeping a good distance so he wouldn't spot her but that she could still see him clearly. She decided to tail him today in the thin hope of learning a little bit more about him. So far, she only confirmed the he was barf-inducingly nice to most everyone, even teachers! Their English teacher dropped a stapler between second and third period and he simply bent down and gave it back with a smile. Not only is he a dork, he wants to be a teacher's pet too? I mean, it's not like he has to suck up to those teachers to make up for bad grades or snoring in class, like she did.

Sam let out a growl of frustration as he entered the class for the last period of the day. She had wasted a complete day tracking him for nothing. It also had made her late for all of her own classes, but it's not like it's anything out of the ordinary for her. She made her way to the science lab dragging her feet. She would have to come up with another plan, this wasn't productive and way too boring. She didn't even bother to knock on the door, she simply walked in the class and went to the teacher's desk to get her detention slip before heading to her place in the back of the room.

She opened her notebook to doodle, but instead, she marked to top of the page with a big "Plan B". Things were progressing too slowly. The time had come to get out the big guns.

Uncharastically, Sam arrived a full ten minutes early before the start of iCarly that night. After yelling "Hi!" to Spencer on the first floor, she headed directly to the studio where she found Carly going through flashcards in a beanbag chair and Freddie bent over his computer.

"What goes on, people," she greeted as she dropped her backpack by the door.

Carly and Freddie both said "Hi", to which Carly received a smile and Freddie a big shove. Sam stepped in front of the computer and started typing.

"Sam!" yelled Freddie, after finding his balance again.

"Move, Frednub! I need to check my email."

"Why can't you do that on your phone? And why couldn't you ask me to move BEFORE you shoved me away?" Freddie asked angrily.

"Yadda yadda yadda. Shut up, I'm reading."

Freddie stared at her a couple of seconds longer before giving up and going to verify some tech material for the show. As soon as he moved farther away, Sam opened his "my files" folder and started searching. She thought he'd probably have the contact info of all the other geeks in the AV Club somewhere and she needed that info for Plan B. Since the dork's files were relatively well organized, she soon found what she was looking for. Going back to her email, she sent a copy of the file to herself, closed all incriminating windows, and called it a day.

As she dropped into a beanbag chair, Carly started talking about a new movie she wanted to see, and before long, they had to get up again and get ready for the usual "5, 4, 3, 2."

_Greetings fellow AV Club members,_

_In honor of the launch of the new Pear phone, we will have a little gathering next Thursday at noon in room 217. We will enjoy the live broadcast of the launch, discuss the improvements of this new Pear phone, and go over the agenda for the next official AV Club meeting while enjoying a light lunch._

_In the hopes of seeing you there, _

Sam sat back and admired her work, hoping the geeks would fall in her trap. She sent the email to every club member (well, all five of them), except Freddie, obviously, using a newly created email address with a name from one of the Galaxy Wars characters. She had been lucky that an actual event that would interest the computer squad was happening the next week otherwise she would have had to come up with another excuse to round all of them up in one room.

A problem rose up the next Monday, though. As she was stuffing a PopStruddle in the tiny oven in her locker, two guys approached Freddie. He shut the door to his own locker and turned to greet them, while Sam pretended to text on her phone to listen to their conversation.

"Was it you who sent the e-vite to the Pear phone launch lunch?" one of the boys asked.

"What e-vite? I didn't send any e-vite," he replied with a puzzled look on his face.

"You know, the invitation for the lunch at noon this Thursday," the same guy continued. "All the AV Club members got it."

"I didn't get the invite," Freddie said.

"Have you checked your email recently?"

"Of course, I have! I check it every half-hour," Freddie exclaimed. Sam rolled her eyes at this. He really truly was a hopeless geek. She turned to get her breakfast out of the oven while the boys kept talking.

"I'll forward it to you, then," the taller of the two said. "Will you be there?"

"Yeah, sure. I was going to watch the launch on my laptop anyway."

"Great! See you around, Fred," one of them said before they walked away.

She hadn't seen that one coming. She didn't plan on one of the geeks telling Freddie about the meeting. On second thought, maybe she should have seen it coming. Ha, too late for regrets. Time to find a way around this little problem.

Taking a bite of her PopStruddle, only to discover that it was an apple flavored one, she made a face and closed her locker with a resounding bang.

"Hey, Nub!" she called, walking to him.

"What?"

"Give me your hand."

"Why?" he asked, looking at her with an evident lack of trust.

"Just do it!"

He slowly put his hand forward, all the while looking at her suspiciously. She took his wrist and turned his palm up, before smashing her PopStruddle in it and simply walking away.

His hand now covered in sticky sugary goo, he turned around and yelled "Why!"

"I don't like apple!" she yelled back from farther down the hall.

Groaning, he made his way to the bathroom to clean up while she thought that he deserved it for making her plan to find out more about him all complicated now.

History was pretty boring, as usual, and she was passing notes with Carly, hoping time would go by faster this way. About half-way through the lesson, she perked up in her chair. Their teacher was currently lecturing them on the different war tactics used in whatever war they were currently supposed to be learning about. She could use some of those tactics, she realized. This would be perfect to solve her current problem of Freddie showing up at the launch lunch. That day, Sam actually thought the lessons had been interesting, or at least five minutes in the whole hour had been interesting. Those old people knew what they were doing back then and she would follow in their footsteps. She needed a diversion, simple as that.

As far as she knew, Freddie had two major weak spots: his mom and Carly. She would need to use one of them. To involve Carly, she would probably need to tell her all about her master plan and explain why she was doing it, and to be honest, she wasn't even sure anymore about why she had decided to dig into Freddie's life. That left her with the option of dealing with Mrs. Benson. Or at least, dealing indirectly with her.

Right on cue, Freddie's phone rang while they were all stuffing their things into their lockers before lunch that Thursday. Sam smiled privately and told Carly she would meet her in the cafeteria in a few. Freddie was arguing with his mother, who apparently was in the school's parking lot. Something about her bringing him some protective gear for his gym class this afternoon, and that if he didn't come out and get it, she would come in and make sure he wore the gear to class. He tried to convince her that they weren't about to learn boxing in gym, but she wasn't buying it, having received an official warning letter from the school an all that jazz.

Sam made her way to room 217, patting herself on the back. That had been all too easy. Anything threatening to harm her little Freddykins in any way was sure to have Mrs. Benson running. That little excuse was going to buy her the few minutes she would need to carry her plan.

She looked through the window of the door to room 217. Aww, it was so cute! Those five nerds had shown up on time and were huddled together around a computer screen, just the way she hoped they would. She had come up there a little before the end of class to set up the computer to broadcast the new phone launch. The Pear website was showing it live, so it wasn't even a challenge to make that happen.

The fiery blonde got a sheet of paper and some scotch tape, then entered the room quietly. Next, she closed the door as silently as possible and taped the paper to the window so that people passing by wouldn't be able to see what was going on inside. She then locked the door and turned around.

"Hello, geeks!"

They all jumped up at the sound, and most of them blanched upon seeing who had greeted them. Sam smirked. She knew most of them, as in they had already had a taste of her particular gentle touch. The two who had managed to escape her up to now still looked terrified. Her rep was that good.

"Ok, boys, let's make this quick and painless. I was never here. You never talked to me today and what you will tell me will never, _ever_," she growled menacingly, "reach Fredward Benson's ears. Are we clear?" she asked, taking a step closer to them to show just how serious this threat was.

They all nodded, one of them even managing to squeak a feeble "Yes, ma'am."

"I don't have long, so I need you to tell me all you know about Frednub as fast as possible. And I do mean _all_ you know about him. Leave nothing out, or else…" she left the threat hanging. One of the guys looked like he was about to pee his pants anyway, she didn't need to add anything more.

She pressed "record" on her phone and shoved it in the face of the geek closest to her.

"Now, talk!" she ordered.

Five minutes or so later, she pocketed her phone and tore the piece of paper off the door. As she touched the lock to open the door, one of the dorks had the nerve to ask her a question.

"So, does this mean that there is no lunch? I didn't bring anything to eat today because of the invite."

Sam slowly turned on her heels and walked straight to him. She looked directly into his eyes, seeing him trembling from head to foot.

"No, there isn't any lunch! Wow, for a bunch of nerds, you are pretty dumb!" She started to walk towards the door again before she turned around once more.

"Fine, I'll play nice by you. To buy your silence or whatever."

She then opened her backpack and retrieved her ham sandwich. She took off one slice of bread and placed it on a table. She then turned the sandwich upside down and did the same with the other piece of bread and the lettuce. Keeping the ham and the cheese in her hand, she went through the door after telling them to enjoy their buffet.

When Freddie came in the door a couple of minutes later carrying a big sport bag, he instantly noticed some tension in the room. When he asked what was going on, they all said that they were just excited about the new Pear phone. After a short pause, he shrugged his shoulders, then took a seat next to the others around the computer, and shot a weird look at Andy, who was steadily munching on a slice of bread.

A/N; Feedback is always appreciated.


	3. Chapter 2  iKeep Digging

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.

Chapter 2 – iKeep Digging

"_Freddie is such a great guy. He's the one who showed me all about balancing colors on camera. He gave me great tricks on how to avoid shadows using the proper lighting and where to place microphones to optimize sound quality and clarity. He prefers hand-held cameras to mounted ones and dreams of one day be able to afford the new SnapSharp 3.1 V5. He's not so good at editing, since he doesn't have to do it for your live webcast. His mother is annoying him greatly, he likes fencing, never had a pet, and changes the password to his computer every week. That's all I know about him."_

Sam growled in frustration as her phone beeped to signal the end of the video. Apparently, being an AV Club member didn't mean you knew a whole lot about the other members. All the geeks had to say about Freddie related to videotaping and one or two little generic facts about the nub's life that she already knew.

Sitting upside down on the couch in her living room, Sam realized that her plan B had been about just as productive as her idea of tailing him. The stupid dork didn't even manage to make friends with other dorks! Pathetic!

The girl snapped her phone shut and slipped it in her pocket. She got up to get something to drink from the fridge then resumed her position, with her back on the floor and her legs on the couch. Being upside down always helped her think clearly. Obviously, it was time to bring out the big guns. No, not Carly. It was time to go straight to the source. Or as close to it other than kidnapping the nub and use torture to get him to talk. Indirect methods had failed; it was time to raid his room.

As soon as his mother and him leave their apartment, she'll swoop in.

The perfect occasion presented itself at the start of an iCarly rehearsal the next week. Freddie apologized to Carly and Sam because he would have to leave early that night.

"I don't care if you leave early, as long as I get to practice the bit where I slingshot GummyBears on a target drawn on your back before you go," Sam said.

"I thought the target was supposed to be drawn on Gibby's back," Freddie exclaimed.

"Well, Gibby's not here and I need to practice my aim."

"Why can't you practice on the wall?" he asked.

"It's not the same, Frederina."

"It is."

"Is not."

"Yes, it is!"

"No, nub, it's not! The wall doesn't feel anything. The wall doesn't wiggle. The wall doesn't yell and get red when GummyBears hit it with enough force. I need to know how hard to sling those candies to leave a mark on the skin," she explained hotly.

"Guys!" Carly yelled, trying to thwart the (rapidly) escalading argument. "Stop arguing! Freddie, you will be the target for tonight and Sam, you will try not to leave marks on Freddie's skin."

Freddie groaned in resignation while Sam complained, "Where's the fun in that?"

Carly stared at her blond friend until she gave up and dropped into a bean-bag chair. "Why do you need to leave early, Freddie?" she asked in her normal voice.

He rolled his eyes and groaned again before answering.

"Mom signed us up for Mother-Son Pumpkin Carving Class at the community center tonight."

"Dude, that's so lame," Sam laughed. Carly was trying to stifle her impulse to laugh out of sympathy for her neighbor, without much success.

"For once, Sam, I agree with you. But she said that if I went with her, she would allow me to join the fencing gym with Spencer."

"I just had an idea, guys," Carly said. "Let's push back the Gummy slingshot bit to the week after next, and draw the target on Gibby's back in the shape of a pumpkin. That way, we can say that it's in celebration of Halloween. You know, throwing candies at a pumpkin," she explained.

Sam was laughing and Freddie told Carly that it was a great idea.

"Well, off with the shirt, Fredkin. I have to practice a lot for that. Don't want to look bad on the show."

About half an hour later, Freddie left with his back covered in small red marks. To no one's surprise, Sam had conveniently ignored Carly's rule not to leave marks. "How can I know where I hit if it doesn't leave a mark?" she had innocently asked after another yelp of pain from the boy and another plea from Carly.

Sam found an excuse to leave too after watching an episode of Girly Cow with her friend. After filling a sandwich bag with ham "for the road", she said her goodbyes and closed to door on what she considered her second home.

She waited a few seconds, listening to the sounds coming from the Shay's apartment for any sign of someone coming to the door, before she dug in her backpack for her lock-picking tools. In a matter of seconds, she was in the Bensons living room.

As bright and colorful the Shay's place was, as dull and straight was the Benson's. There were neutral colors, barely any accessories, no sharp angles (too dangerous!) and a scent of antiseptic was floating. How Freddie could remain (somewhat) sane with a mother like that was anybody's guess, she thought. But then again, how she managed to remain sane with a mother like hers was also anybody's guess. Maybe all mothers have a freak side, who knows?

She inhaled in her ham bag to clear her nose of the smell as she walked towards Freddie's room. She had been there a couple of times before, mainly when he tried to escape her and she just caught up with him to drag him back, but little had changed since the last time she saw it.

It was almost as clean as the rest of the apartment, but the antiseptic smell was fainter, enough that she could stop breathing in her bag of ham. She went to work at once, opening drawers, riffling through papers, looking under the bed and under the mattress, even in the trashcan.

After twenty minutes, Sam still had nothing to show for her efforts. She was sitting in his wardrobe amidst a pile of shoeboxes containing – unsurprisingly – shoes, thinking that this was not normal. Every teenager had stuff in his or her bedroom that they hid in the hopes of keeping it from the eyes of their parents or brothers and sisters. It could be a magazine, a journal, some souvenirs like photos of exes… anything! There had to be _something_.

Just then, her eyes landed on one of his computers sitting atop his desk. It hit her like a ton of bricks. _Of course!_ If his mother had the habit of inspecting him bi-weekly, surely she regularly inspected his bedroom too. He would have been a fool to keep anything hidden in here. His computer would be the ideal spot. And even if AggressiveParenting(dot)com taught parents how to hack in their children's computers, Freddie was enough of a geek to find a way to keep his mother from breaking into his laptops.

"Wow, Benson. You actually found a way around your mommy, did you. Good for you!" Sam could afford to compliment him since he wasn't there.

There was still one small problem though. If Freddie's computer was so protected against intrusion, how was she to gain access to it? Maybe she could use the AV geeks once more, but it was probably against their code of ethics, or something, to break into each other's computer. Come to think of it, she had already broken into his computer before. Just the other week, when she needed the contact info to the AV Club members!

That's it! All she needed to do was wait for Freddie to unlock his laptop himself, then use some kind of diversion, and voilà! So simple. It could not _not_ work.

She rose from her spot in the wardrobe and slung her backpack on her shoulder. As she passed his desk on her way to the bedroom door, she patted the computer lightly, and said, "See you later, little buddy."

Once back in her own bedroom, Sam put on her headphones to drown out the sound of her mother's idea of Karaoke night currently going on in the living room and laid down on her bed with her legs up on the wall. Her target was now clear and all she needed to do was iron out the details.

Step 1 – Get Freddie to open his laptop.

Step 2 – Get rid of him for as long as possible.

Step 3 – Dig.

A/N: Next chapter preview: "_As she was rapidly climbing the stairs, Sam thought that there must be an angel made of ham somewhere looking out for her. Things were working out a lot more easily than she had hoped."_

Feedback is always appreciated!


	4. Chapter 3 iEpic Fail

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.

Chapter 3 – iEpic Fail

"That was soooo boring," Carly exclaimed as they exited the movie theatre.

"No chizz. I can't remember the last time I fell asleep so fast," Sam relied with a yawn.

"Yeah, I don't think you lasted more than ten minutes. If I had the ability to sleep in public like you do, I would have done the same."

"Popcorn makes me sleepy anyway. Popcorn and stupid movies together are like sleeping pills for dinosaurs for me."

"Freddie was right to stay at home. He saved fifteen bucks and probably had much more fun than us. So, what do you want to do now?" Carly asked as they were walking towards the bus stop. "We still have an hour before the iCarly rehearsal."

"We could go to Groovy Smoothies. Better yet, let's go to Ribs'R'Us! They have a new special and two new sauces that I haven't tried yet. Man, I'm so hungry for ribs right now!" Sam said excitedly, pulling on her friend's arm to make her walk faster.

"How was the movie?" asked Spencer as the girls hung their coats by the door. He was sitting on the couch watching TV.

"Snorefest," Carly answered.

"Well, I'm glad you're home because I need your help. I tried to text you but you never answered." Spencer continued.

"So, you're the person who texted "Cly hlp e I gued"?" Carly asked pulling out her phone and scrolling back to the undecipherable text.

"Yes, it was me," Spencer said in a small voice. "But that's because I glued my hands together. See?" he said, putting his hands forward. "I couldn't type right."

"I can help you with that," Sam offered with a determined look on her face. She then grabbed one of Spencer's wrists with both of her hands, put one foot on his other wrist and started pulling energetically.

"No, no, no! NO! OWW! Stop! You're ripping my skin. STOP! CARLYYY! Help!" Spencer yelled, trying to break out of Sam's grip. Coming to her brother's aid, Carly stepped in and got her friend to let go. As soon as he was free, Spencer ran behind the kitchen bar to put some distance between him and Sam.

"What? Why did you pull me off him? I was trying to help!" Sam asked, turning on her friend.

"I'm not sure it was the best way to go," Carly explained.

"No, it was not. It HURT!" Spencer added, still hiding in the kitchen.

"What should we try then? Scissors? A knife?" Sam suggested, as Spencer screamed in fear.

"I don't know," Carly said. "Spencer, what kind of glue is on your hands?"

Spencer was a little smug as he replied. "It's actually my own mix. I use…"

"Hello, people," greeted Freddie as he entered. "Ready for rehearsal, chicas?"

"Not now, Fredbarf. Spencer glued himself together," Sam impatiently replied.

"He what?"

Spencer raised his hands higher and showed him how he couldn't separate them.

"Tell us more about your glue," Carly asked, reminding everyone of what they were talking about before Freddie interrupted the conversation.

"Right. You see, it's this super glue that sticks on everything. I developed the recipe with Socko a few months ago. You can put in on wood, metal, plaster, paper, and even rocks. It's great for sculptures. The only thing is you can't get it wet," Spencer declared, not even aware of what he just said.

Freddie and Carly exchanged a look of understanding, while Sam sighed loudly and went to fill the kitchen sink with warm water. She then grabbed Spencer by the arm and pulled him to the sink.

"Dude, just soak your hands in the water and stop wasting my time!" she told him, before starting to climb the stairs to the iCarly studio.

Spencer looked a little ashamed of himself and silently put his hands in the sink.

"Well, at least we solved the problem," Carly said to relieve some of the tension in the air.

"And speaking of solving problems," Sam continued coming back down a few steps, "I'll need your help with my phone, Benson. It stopped working for no reason."

"Let's rehearse first. Spencer, just yell for us to come down if you need more help, alright?" Carly asked.

"You call that "no reason"? I think it's very obvious why your phone stopped working!" Freddie exclaimed, gingerly holding Sam's phone with two fingers a few minutes after the rehearsal.

"Chillax, dude. It's just a little rib sauce," Sam replied.

He then mumbled something that neither girl could understand, trying to turn on the very sticky phone.

"What did you just say?" Sam asked, taking a menacing step towards him.

"Nothing. The sauce is everywhere and the keys are all stuck together. What did you do with this phone? Dipped it in the sauce?"

"No. We went to Ribs'R'Us after the movie and I needed to text someone. The ribs were covered in a sauce so sticky, so thick and so delicious that I didn't want to waste any wiping it on some napkin. What else was I supposed to do?" Sam explained. Freddie (wisely) chose not to discus her own particular kind of twisted logic.

"Can you save her phone?" Carly asked.

"I don't think even the best cleaning kit could make this thing work again. Sorry, Sam," Freddie said, walking to her to hand her back the phone.

"Can't you at least save my music and files? I have the numbers to all the best restaurants with delivery in there."

"I guess I could try to hook it to my computer to see if I can salvage anything," he offered.

"Good. Go!" Sam said while pushing him to the door.

"Where?"

"Go get your computer and your tech stuff, nerd!" she clarified, while opening the door for him and pointing out.

Sam then walked back to one of the bean-bag chairs and dropped in it. She was proud of herself for coming up with a plan so quickly. The idea just came to her while she was devouring the seriously yummy ribs earlier. All was working well. Freddie was on his way to get his laptop and she soon would have access to it. Now, she just needed to get rid of Carly for some time. She didn't need any witnesses and if she knew what she was planning to do, Carly would probably try to stop her and tell her it was "wrong" to snoop in your friend's private stuff.

A couple of minutes later, Freddie returned with his computer, some cable and baby wipes. He used the baby wipes to remove some of the sauce on the phone and around the area where he would plug the cable that would link the phone to his computer.

"You are actually lucky, Sam. I can still access your files. Do you want me to transfer the files to your email or do you have your USB key with you?" he asked.

"I have it in my backpack downstairs," she said. "Come get it with me, Carly." She was hoping to find an excuse for Carly to stay downstairs on the way.

A few moments later, as Sam was digging in her backpack, Carly went to Spencer to check how he and his hands were doing. He was currently cleaning up the mess he had created when he glued his hands together, and apart from being a little red, said hands were doing just fine.

"Hey, Spence, do you need any help with that," Sam innocently asked.

"Actually, I could use some help. My… accident… put me behind schedule a little," Spencer acknowledged.

"Will you buy us a round of smoothies if we help you?" Sam enquired not too subtly.

"Sure!"

"Great! I'll go get Frednub and as soon as he's done saving my files, we'll be down. You guys get started," she said excitedly before running up the stairs. Both brother and sister looked at each other thinking the same thing; _Since when does Sam offer help for no apparent reason?_

As she was rapidly climbing the stairs, Sam thought that there must be an angel made of ham somewhere looking out for her. Things were working out a lot more easily than she had hoped.

After entering the studio slightly out of breath, her smile slid off her face like bacon on a wall. Oh. Apparently there was no such thing as an ham-angel.

Freddie was standing in front of her with his arms crossed on his chest and fire in his eyes. Beside him on his computer, a video was playing. She only needed a quick glance at it to confirm that it was one of the videos she recorded at the launch of the Pear Phone lunch.

A moment passed as the video came to an end, and the silence grew heavier by the second. She was waiting for him to say something, or to yell, but he just kept staring at her. After a minute, he pointed at the memory stick in her hand and motioned for her to give it to him.

He plugged it on the side of his laptop and copied all her files on it. He next unplugged her phone, dropped it in the trash can and then unplugged the USB key.

She was incredibly uncomfortable. The fact that she could get caught had never even crossed her mind. Her plan to use her phone to gain access to his computer had been too impulsive; she didn't think things through enough and now she had been caught like a six-year-old pulling his or her first prank. She didn't know if she should talk, or if that would only make things worse. Finally deciding to try to keep things normal, she walked forward and extended her arm to take her memory stick still resting in Freddie's hand.

"I told Spencer that we'd help him with his new sculpture," she said in a small voice.

He pulled back his hand, clutching the memory stick out of her reach.

"Explain," he said slowly, still looking at her with hard eyes.

Sighing heavily, she went and sat on the hood of the car with her legs crossed. "I wanted to find out more about you."

Apparently, that was enough to unlock Freddie's anger.

"Oh, you wanted to find out more about me?" he said sarcastically. "And you thought that scaring my friends into telling you stuff was the best way to go. You thought that going behind my back… Oh, I bet it was you who went through my stuff a few days ago! I had thought my mom had done a surprise inspection again when I saw my things slightly out of place in my bedroom, but now I'm sure it was you! How could you do that, Sam? What were you thinking!" He was yelling, pacing, and pointing and Sam could barely look up at him. She was playing with her shoe string, looking down, her hair hiding most of her face.

Freddie let his questions hang in the air, hoping Sam would say something to explain her actions. When he saw that she wasn't even looking at him, he went to stand right in front of her.

"Why?" he asked again, voice firm, but without screaming this time.

She glanced at him for a fraction of a second before saying, "I don't know. I just wanted to know more about you, okay?"

"You said that already. Why did you need to go behind my back? Why couldn't you ask me what you wanted to know?"

"I thought it would be easier that way. I mean, how would you have reacted if I had come to you one day and started asking questions about you?" she said, still not looking at him.

He thought for a moment before answering. "I'm not sure. I probably would have thought that it was suspicious coming from you. Or that you were planning something and wanted info to carry your plan. I don't know. I guess it would have varied depending on the kind of questions you would have asked." He paused. "What kind of things did you want to know?"

"I didn't have anything specific in mind. I just thought that I knew a lot about Carly and barely anything about you," she explained.

"Well, next time just ask me instead of going after everybody I know," he said, handing her memory stick back. "Wait! You didn't question my mom, did you?"

"I wasn't that desperate!" she scoffed. "Does this mean I can ask _you_ questions?" she wondered, standing up.

"I guess," he answered. "As long as they're not too personal."

She took a deep breath and started to ask question after question so fast that he didn't even catch a quarter of them.

"Woooo, chillax, Sam," he said, motioning with his hands for her to calm down. "How about we limit you to one question a day?"

"Only one? It'll take forever!"

"Well, the way you are doing it now, I feel like I'm a criminal in the interrogation room of the FBI. One question per day," he stated again.

"Fine," she huffed. "But you can't lie."

He slowly nodded his agreement.

She thought for a minute, then asked, "Have you ever done something illegal?"

"Yes," he answered with a tiny smirk.

Her eyes were as huge as her surprise at his answer. "What did you do?" she asked eagerly. Maybe there was hope for the straight walking nerd in front of her, after all.

"That's question number two. We agreed on only one per day. Ask a better question, next time," he teased.

She lunged to grab him with a growl but he managed to duck out of her way. "Didn't you say we were supposed to help Carly and Spencer?" he asked, trying to bring her attention somewhere other than her list of ways she could hurt him.

She shot him a menacing glare before turning on her heels and heading downstairs. He grabbed his laptop and followed suit, still not quite at ease as to why the blond-headed demon wanted to dig into his life.

A/N: A great big "thank you!" to those who reviewed. Feedback is always a great motivation. In case you didn't notice, I tend to update every Monday or Tuesday. I also wait to have at least one or two following chapters written before I post one in case I need to come back and change a detail. That means that I am currently working on chapter 5 and that unless something really big interferes with my schedule, I'll keep updating weekly.


	5. Chapter 4  iWill Teach You

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.

Chapter 4 – iWill Teach You

As soon as she set foot inside the school the very next day, Sam made a beeline towards Freddie's locker. People were used to moving out of her way at the sight of her, but she still had to elbow her way through a tight group of gossiping girls in the middle of the hallway. Detours were not her thing; that girl rubbing her ribs should have known that.

Once beside Freddie's locker, she dropped her backpack on his foot to grab his attention. Luckily for him, Sam wasn't carrying books because homework was also not one of her things. The boy simply pushed back the backpack with his uninjured foot and greeted his friend.

"You know, some people simply say 'Hello,' Sam," Freddie said as he turned to face her.

"To people they like, maybe. Stop stalling and spill, Fredwardette. What illegal thing have you done?" she asked, not being able to completely mask her curiosity.

"Are you sure you want to waste your only question of the day on that subject," he teased, reminding her of their conversation, or rather, their argument, from the day before.

"Benson!" she warned.

"Fine. I downloaded some illegal music last year. And I stole five bucks from my mom when I was eight."

"That's all?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Sam quickly bent down to grab her backpack and swung it hardly into his stomach.

"Ouch! What was that for? I answered your question! I didn't even lie," he said, slightly winded from the blow he just received.

"That, was for making me believe for more than 11 hours that there was a side of you I could tolerate," she said, close to his face and with her voice lowered as she had spotted Carly walking towards them.

"Hey guys!" greeted Carly. Noticing rapidly that her friends were glaring at each other, she sighed. "Am I interrupting something? Are you two fighting again?"

"The nub didn't like my greeting formula," Sam half-lied.

"She threw her backpack to my stomach," Freddie quickly replied, pointing at the offender.

"Well, stop it. I'm in no mood to arbitrate another one of your fights so early in the morning. To change the subject, Spencer will be waiting for us at Groovy Smoothies after school to buy us our smoothies for helping him last night."

"I want the gigantic Blueberry Blast!" Sam declared enthusiastically, a second before the warning bell rang. "Or maybe a medium Today's Special and a large Banana Blitz," she continued as the trio started to walk to their math class.

000000000000000000000000

The following Sunday, they decided to do a movie marathon at the Shay's apartment. It had rained all Saturday and it didn't look like it would ease up Sunday either, so they were all pretty bored. After much debate, a couple of punches to Freddie's arms and a loud tantrum on the couch for Carly's benefit, they finally settled on the list of movies they would watch.

As the credits to the second movie started to roll, Mrs. Benson knocked on the door and entered the apartment without waiting for someone to tell her to come it.

"Did you rest your eyes, Fredward? I told you watching tv for so long was bad for your eyes. You promised you would take breaks to rest them," she continued in her typically slightly aggressive voice.

"Yes, mom. I close my eyes while the credits roll," he said.

"But we always skip the credits," Sam said under her breath, looking at him with one eyebrow raised.

"Good. Now, would you like me to bring you some healthy snacks?" she asked. "I'll be right back with a tofu dip and salt-less tortilla chips," she continued without even waiting for his answer.

As the door closed on her neighbor, Carly rose up. "Maybe it's a good idea to take a little break. Get some food and drinks. I definitely need a bathroom break too."

"Fine, let's take a ten minutes break. But I'm not getting up. Mama is perfectly comfortable right here."

Freddie and Carly went to the kitchen and brought back salsa, chips, cookie dough, and an assortment of drinks.

"Mine!" Sam called, pointing to the cookie dough in the bowl Freddie was carrying. He handed it to her with a spoon and went back to his spot on the ground next to the coffee table. He had just sat down when the spoon bounced on the wooden surface.

"Sam!" Carly exclaimed. "Don't eat with your hands! What if I want dough too?"

"Like there's going to be any dough left after I'm done with this thing," her friend scoffed.

"I'll go get you normal cookies," offered Freddie, as he got up once again and headed for the kitchen.

"Shouldn't you be resting your eyes, Fredduccini?" Sam asked in a sing-song voice. "Dude, you totally lied to your mom," she continued, laughing lightly.

"Not really. I do close my eyes while the credits roll. Just not for a very long time," he explained with a smirk.

"Like a couple of seconds," Carly asked. He bobbed his head and shrugged his shoulder, as if to say "pretty much, yeah."

"That's still a lie," Sam kept probing while Carly went to the restroom.

"Like you never lied to your mom!" he defended.

"Well, it's not like she never lied to me!" Sam said hotly. "Okay. I got my question for the day. Why is your mom such a freak?"

Freddie looked at her for a second, then shook his head. "I'm not answering that. Ask something else."

"That's not what we agreed, Benson! You have to answer!"

"No. I said I would answer your questions as long as they weren't too personal. Ask something else."

"Fine! Why don't you want to tell me why your mom is a freak?"

"I am not answering that one either. It's the same question worded differently. If I answer the second one, it'll tell you the answer to the first one."

Sam let out a frustrated growl. Her eyes were fixated on him as she tried to come up with something else to ask him. "If you could make a realistic wish right now, what would it be?"

"You mean realistic as in something that could actually happen?" he asked.

She simply nodded.

After a short pause, he told her he wished he could find a way to avoid tonight's tick bath.

"I can make that happen. Benson, I'm about to make your wish come true. Wait, that sounded wrong," she said, scrunching up her face.

"What are you going to do?" he asked just as Carly came back and dropped on the couch.

"Just wait and see," Sam replied.

"What are you guys talking about?" Carly enquired while opening her box of regular, baked cookies.

"Freddie's phobia of tick baths," Sam explained. "Break's over. The ten minutes are up. Start the next movie, nub."

"What am I supposed to do with that?" he asked, holding the shampoo bottle Sam just gave him, a few minutes after the end of the fourth and final movie of their marathon.

"You should have thought of it sooner, Benson!" Sam said with some exasperation in her voice. "You empty the tick shampoo bottle in the drain, then pour the regular shampoo in the bottle. That way, your mom will still think you are having a tick bath, but your scalp won't be burning from the strong lotion she usually makes you use." Sam explained it all for him, miming the gestures he would have to make, as if he was too stupid to understand simple English.

"It won't smell the same. She will notice."

"Why? Is she smelling you after you bathe? I thought you had negotiated with her and that she was going easier on your "inspections". And stop being all negative, it'll work. It's Puckett Proof!" she told him, as if that made any sense at all.

Seeing him look at her disbelievingly, she yelled for Carly who was currently putting back the leftovers from their snacks in the kitchen with her brother. "Carly! Tell Fredidiot that it will work!"

"Whatever it is, it's going to work, Freddie," Carly obediently replied, not even bothering to ask what they were arguing about now and immediately going back to her conversation with Spencer.

"See? Even Carly says it's going to work."

"But…"

She interrupted him and pushed him towards the door. "Stop being such a chicken. God, I was starting to have some hope for you when you said you did illegal stuff and seeing you lie to your mom, but it looks like I was wrong." She opened the door and he walked in the corridor.

"It looks like I'm going to have to teach you some stuff before it's too late, Benson. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to introduce you to the world of normal people," she continued, as she made a sweeping gesture with one arm and looked far away.

Freddie raised one eyebrow in doubt, and said "Like you are so normal yourself!"

"Watch it, dude! Now, your first assignment as my student is the shampoo substitution. I expect a full report tomorrow. A fail is not an option, and in my school, corporal punishments are _not_ banned." On that last warning, she went back inside the Shay's apartment and closed the door, leaving Freddie and his bottle of shampoo alone in the corridor and more confused than ever about the blonde's behavior.

The next day, during the History class that the three friends had together, a folded piece of paper was shoved in the back of Freddie's shirt. Reaching behind, he wiggled a little bit in order to grab it. He was not the least bit surprised to find Sam writing upon unfolding it on his notebook a moment later; she was, after all, sitting right behind him.

"_How did it go? Are you tick free?"_ it read.

He picked up his pen and started to reply. _"I did what you said, then spent the rest of the night in my bedroom so she wouldn't notice the different smell."_

"_That's pretty chicken, but technically, it's still a pass on the first test."_

"_What's next?"_

"_Getting out of detention."_ He stared at Sam's reply, scribbled on the piece of paper in front of him for a moment before he was able to focus enough to send something back to her.

"_SAM! No! I don't want to get detention!"_

A second later, Sam, contrary to her habit, started to clear her throat loudly and scrape the legs of her chair on the floor, before reaching over his shoulder in a grand gesture and dropping a sheet of bright pink paper on his desk. This was not the same piece of paper he had just been writing on. Naturally, her ruckus had caught the attention of the delightful Ms. Briggs, and it's with a sense of doom that Freddie watched her walk to his desk and grab the sheet of paper.

"What is that?" the teacher asked loudly, making many students jump. Freddie knew better than to answer, and held his breath as Ms. Briggs cheeks kept getting redder and redder as she read what was written on the paper.

"Detention tonight, Puckett and Benson! And I'll be sure to show this to the principal, too!" she yelled, her eyes bulging behind her glasses.

"Yes, Ma'am," replied Freddie, with his head sunk in defeat.

"Why did you get Freddie into detention?" asked Carly to her friend during lunch that same day. "And don't try to fool me, I saw what you did."

"That boy needs to learn how to live a little. He's just too boring," Sam replied between two mouthful of food. It was just the two of them since Freddie was at a (real) AV Club Meeting.

"Don't say that! He's not boring," the brunette defended.

"Maybe not boring, as in boring, but more like too grown-up for his age."

"It's not a bad thing to be responsible and dependable, Sam. If there were only people like y… hum, like Fleck…," she rapidly corrected under the glare of her friend, "things would fall apart."

"It's not a bad thing either to be spontaneous and reckless once in a while. He needs to learn to stand up for himself anyway. You see the way he his around his mom. If he had started to stand up to her when he was younger, things wouldn't be as bad as they are now."

"Wow, Sam. It almost sounds as if you care," Carly replied after swallowing a gulp of juice.

"I do _not_ care!" Sam said with fervour, pointing her spoon at Carly's nose. "I care a little because he doesn't have any brother or sister to show him how things are done, and that _you_ certainly won't show him either. But I don't _care_, care!" she stated again, before trying – and succeeding - to shove half a low-fat Fat Cake into her mouth.

"I still don't see how getting him in detention with you tonight is going to help him," Carly continued.

It took a moment for Sam to reply. To her defence, she did try to speak through her huge mouthful of cake, but the sounds were too muffled for her friend to understand her. After a minute and some milk, she was able to talk again.

"I got him into detention to teach him how to get out of detention," the blonde explained.

"You mean like when you simply walk out as soon as the teacher is turning his back? You got caught and earned triple detention the last time you tried that."

"It will depend on which teacher is sitting detention tonight. They each have their own weakness. Skipping detention is an art, and Mama's the master."

"What was on the paper that Ms. Briggs read?"

Sam laughed a little before answering. "I made it look like Freddie and me had been exchanging notes about her. He was saying the her boobs were not so pointy anymore, and I was telling him that they still were, but they were pointing at the ground… Stuff like that."

Her friend laughed too, before calming down a bit. "But Principal Franklin is going to see that now!"

"Ha, no, he won't. The old bat always waits for the teacher's meeting on Tuesday morning to present stuff like that to Franklin. I'll get the paper from her desk on my way out of detention tonight," Sam explained, a little smugly.

"Sam, you're so bad," Carly exclaimed, but her reproach was somewhat diminished by her big smile. "But don't turn Freddie into a criminal," she said more sternly. "Don't get him into Juvie "_just to show him how to get out_," she finished, making air-quotes with her fingers.

"I didn't know Hudson would be sitting detention, ok!" Sam loudly said to Freddie as they were walking towards the exit after their detention. "He's the only teacher that always seems to be a step ahead of me. It's not my fault I was unable to get us out of it, so stop complaining already. You're getting on my nerves. Now, come," she said as she grabbed his sleeve and dragged him around a corner.

"Where are we going? This isn't the way to the exit." He tried to slow her down, but she still had a firm grip on his sleeve and kept pulling.

"Lower your voice, dork!" She was whispering, but still managed to sound menacing. Checking to see if the coast was clear first, she then dragged him around another corner and soon after pressed her ear to a door.

"Is this the door to Ms. Briggs' office?" he asked in a whisper.

"Glad to see you can still read," she scoffed, pointing at the sign on the door. "Keep watch while I unlock it."

After pulling a key out of her pocket, she opened the door, went in and came back out a moment later with the pink sheet of paper that got them in trouble.

Once outside, they sat on the front steps while they waited for Freddie's mom to pick them up.

"Where did you get that key?" he asked her.

"I arranged to get a copy of the Master Key within two weeks of first setting foot in that school. You never know when you are going to need to unlock a door and even thought I have mad lock picking skills, it's a lot faster that way," she explained.

"Where did you learn all that? The lock picking and stuff."

"You have to do what you have to do, sometimes. It's not like I use it to steal, or anything like that," she continued.

"Have you…" he started, before she interrupted him by stomping her heel on his foot. "OW!"

"Enough with the questions, Benson! I'm the one asking questions, remember?" She tried to stomp his other foot too but he just managed to move it in time.

"Alright, fine. You still haven't asked anything today, though," he reminded her.

She was thoughtful for a moment.

"Who do you hate the most; Neville or Mandy?"

"That's a tough one. I obviously can't stand either one of them, but I guess I'll pick Mandy. I just can't get that "quack, quack!" out of my head. Ducks scare me, now."

A few minutes later, Mrs. Benson pulled to a stop in front of them and they got in her car. She drove them back, using the fact that they couldn't escape to lecture them about correct behavior at school, and how detentions were bad for their records and their grades. Sam wasn't paying attention, looking out the window and thinking of what she would eat as a snack later. Freddie was sitting next to his mom and kept saying "yes, mom," and "you're right, mom," at regular interval.

Once in front of his doorstep, Freddie said a quick goodbye to Sam, who was knocking on the Shay's door, before he followed his mother inside. The fact that the blonde was staying in the apartment in front of his for the night didn't bother him. In fact, he didn't even think about it before he fell asleep. But when he woke up with a start the next morning to the sound of his alarm clock, he realized that as the student of the demon teacher, he still had a LOT to learn. He turned off the loud "quack-quack! quack-quack!" that had somehow replaced his usual alarm clock during the night and stood up to walk to his bathroom. He decided right there and then that, one day, he would get her back. One day, the student would beat the master.

A/N: I wasn't sure if it would be better to do a longer chapter or to include the last part in the next chapter, but I decided that since all of it was happening the same day, it would be better to keep all those little event together. I hope you liked it. Thank you again to those who reviewed! Your comments made my day, and as soon as I get a minute, I'll reply to each of you. Next chapter: iTest my Student…


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